its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
