just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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