This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
3 2 1 whiskey
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
