I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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