I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
