The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
