Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
