there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
