oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
