i was born a porn star she said
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
