you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
