You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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