mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Randomize
