if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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