Swine flu is the new snow day.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
