I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
