My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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