i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
