Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
