drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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