Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
