first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
she pinky promised me she was 18
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize