I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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