my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
