R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Someone came in the potted fern
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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