my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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