Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
