Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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