Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
