I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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