If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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