I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I think pants incapable of making pants work
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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