I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
