I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
