Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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