I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
