My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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