i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
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