wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
