u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
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