Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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