yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
