We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
