there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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