We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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