If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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