my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I wish there were birth control emojis
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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