If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
