you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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