I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
