After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
