my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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