There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
