saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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