I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
