My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
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