there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Randomize
