pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
